Who originally wrote the "water vomit" song?

You know... the song that subliminally warbles in the background of every network news broadcast and is responsible for the plague of childhood obesity that has turned this once fine nation's children into amorphous slugs, slithering toward the coastlines in a fruitless attempt to escape the insidious subterfuge of traditional American values foisted upon their nubile, innocent minds by the so-called forefathers of this nation, now run by shark-toothed corporate lackwits.